You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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