I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
