I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
