I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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