What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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