Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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