And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
