I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
