just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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