You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
