My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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