You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
