Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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