So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
