I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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