i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
