Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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