I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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