I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
