i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
