Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
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my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
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Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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