There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
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