We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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