I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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