Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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