I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
