Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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