I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
