Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
