I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
