If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
