So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Four minutes until I can fart!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
