Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
