It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Life is so much better after having sex.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
