i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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