Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
