Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Randomize
