you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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