Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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