Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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