Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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