did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
