I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
