i just had sex bonerless
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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