Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
