the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
