You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
