Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
