OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
