Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Operation Purity has been aborted
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
