You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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