OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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