One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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