I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
