Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
