she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
