what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
