cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
