I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
