My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
