I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
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