I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
