am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The air was thick with penises
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
