Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
